As time has ticked by, I’ve given up on many childhood aspirations, including certain dream jobs: astronaut (I’m prone to motion sickness), shark hunter (I’ve grown accustomed to having fingers), Yankees center fielder (darn you Mickey Mantle), and swimsuit-model suntan applicator (I’m cocoa butter intolerant). But, there’s one more dream job that I covet: I want to be the person who names paint colors.

It seems like a great job. There’s no heavy lifting, you’re not likely to be mangled by machinery, and apparently it’s impossible to do wrong. While shopping for interior paint recently I became quite bemused—and slightly confused—by the names assigned to paints.

Paint chips hanging on a wall in paint store.
The average home center offers a dizzying array of paint colors, and each store often carries two or more different lines of paint from several manufacturers.

Here are just a few actual paint colors: Poetic Princess, Ruffles, Spoonful of Sugar, Bride to Be, Messenger Bag, Jogging Path, Cargo Pants, Squirrel Tail, Tippy Toes, Grandma’s Sweater, Kitten Whiskers, Going to the Chapel, Un-Teal We Meet Again, Yin Yang, Squish-Squash, and Sticks & Stones. (Want to bet they’re working on a color called, Break Your Bones?)

Some paints sound as if they were named after condominium complexes: Maple Valley, Whispering Woods, Cedar Ridge, Crystal Springs, Harbor Town, Laurel Woods, and Warren Acres.

It’s also strange that so many paint colors have food-related titles: Spinach White, Apple Crunch, Celery Sticks, Salmon Peach, Pale Shrimp, Mixed Fruit, Bana-Appeal, Steamed Milk, Portobello, Flan, White Raisin, Fresh Guacamole, Hearts of Palm, Creamy Oat, Toasted Pumpkin, Pineapple Upside Down Cake, and Sonic Plum. Are displaced chefs working for paint manufacturers?

Animal names are big, too, even though they don’t make much sense: Fawn’s Leap, Crocodile, Box Turtle, Horsehair, Black Fox, Yellow Warbler, Tiger Eye, White Duck, Illusive Fawn, and Roaming Pony.

Fan deck of paint colors.
A typical fan deck of paint chips contains over 400 different paint colors, and each has its own unique name.

Like most of us, I suspect the folks who name paint colors have days when their hearts—and heads— just aren’t into their jobs. Otherwise, what sensible explanation could there possibly be for the following clueless paint names: Fusion, Mysterious, Stunning, Balmy, Anonymous, Brainstorm, Vibrant, Enchanting, Composed, Outrageous, Retreat, Grounded, Enigma, Breathless, Howard, Claude, Gymnast, and Someday (as in, “someday” I’ll eventually get around to painting this room).

None of these names give the slightest clue as to the shade of paint. Plus, who wants to admit to painting their bedroom a lovely shade of Bagel. (Yes, there actually is a paint color named, Bagel; I guess you’d have to find a paint called, Cream Cheese for the room’s trim.)

If I were ever fortunate enough to get the call from Behr’s Paints or Sherwin Williams, I’d introduce my own line of signature paints, based on delicatessen cold cuts. You know, something like, German Bologna Brown, Carefree Corned Beef, Heavenly Hard Salami, Pouty Prosciutto, and Obstinate Olive Loaf.

Hey, those names make as much sense as Marry Me, Fringed Jacket, I’ve Got the Blues, Cowboy Boots, Once Upon a Time, Dream I Can Fly, Cheerful Hue, Scrubland, or Knubby Wool, which are all real paint colors.

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Danny Lipford

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Danny Lipford is a home improvement expert and television personality who started his remodeling business, Lipford Construction, at the age of 21 in Mobile, Alabama. He gained national recognition as the host of the nationally syndicated television show, Today's Homeowner with Danny Lipford, which started as a small cable show in Mobile. Danny's expertise in home improvement has also led him to be a contributor to popular magazines and websites and the go-to source for advice on everything related to the home. He has made over 200 national television appearances and served as the home improvement expert for CBS's The Early Show and The Weather Channel for over a decade. Danny is also the founder of 3 Echoes Content Studio, TodaysHomeowner.com, and Checking In With Chelsea, a décor and lifestyle blog.

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